Shits my family says

12/16/12
Jake: "Don't be alarmed but I'm fixing to pee in the Starbucks drive thru"
Me: "No!! They'll kick us out and I need coffee!"
Jake: "Don't worry cousin, you can't get kicked out of a drive thru. You kick yourself out at the end of it."

12/25/12
Overheard in the kitchen, preparing for Christmas dinner:
Juge: "I don't think you can call somebody a sonofabitch for peeling potatoes faster than you"
Frank: "Everything in life is a competition."
MaCaul: "Have a holly jolly Christmas! Ho Ho the camel toe all where you can see!"

1/2/13
Jake:"Think about settling down when you have to start paying for it"
Me: "What about companionship?"
Jake:"A companion? Go get a puppy"
Me: "A puppy won't laugh at my jokes...."
Jake:"You have family to laugh at your jokes... or go get a puppy with a sense of humor"

1/14/13
"Instead of a whole piece of cheesecake you should just be able to order a bite of every kind... In my mind there should be all kinds of better stuff. " - Stephanie

Divine Secrets of the Manpunch Sisterhood

Let it not be said that the Viking ladies are a bunch of shrinking violets. The following is an account of New Year’s Eve Festivities:

Stephanie: “We were relaxed, we just wanted to have a good time for New Year’s and Sarah’s birthday..”

Jil: “Yeah, even when that one girl was snotty and dumped her drink all over Sarah, Sarah just walked away.”

Sarah, whose Viking name is Manpunch, so named for having no reservations about punching a man if he deserves it, is the charter member of the Manpunch Sisterhood.

Stephanie: “Yeah, it was that girl’s birthday too and she got all mad when they called Sarah up on stage, like two people couldn’t have the same birthday. I thought things were gonna go bad, but Sarah just left it alone and was cool about it.”

Jil:”We heard that the cops were coming, so the entire place just kinda left. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but you know….”

Let it also be said that where the cops are, the Vikings are not. Just a general rule of thumb we try to live by. You can never be too careful about outstanding warrants.

Stephanie:”Anyway, we were all leaving and this one guy starts throwing his hands up and saying ‘I’m a welder and I’ll blah blah blah.” And our friend that was with us tells him “Well, I’m a welder’s helper so blah blah blah” and the next thing I know there was a full-on brawl. I’m not really sure what was going on, all I was thinking was ‘why is everybody so mad at us?’

There was some squabbling and then I see Mikey on the ground with some dude in a headlock, so I ran over there to try and push him off of him, but I couldn’t move him, probably ‘cause Mikey had him in a headlock I think, then these four other guys got involved and it was just crazy.

Then I spotted the original guy in the crowd, and I don’t know, I just went crazy.,.”

Jil:”Yeah, it was some Crouching Tiger, Hidden Manpunch stuff. She practically flew in the air.”

Stephanie:”Yeah, I kind of Supermanned him…”

(Jil demonstrates):”She like ran across the parking lot and jumped up and punched him in the head. Knocked him down cold.”

Stephanie:”So this other guy started to beat me up, had me down on the ground until his friends were hollering at him ‘That’s a girl, that’s a girl!” I think he didn’t know I was a girl at first and then he tried to stop. But I’m all ‘where you goin, dude?” I had my legs all wrapped around him in a leg lock and I was just swinging and throwing windmills.

Then these girls hit me in the back of the head and Sarah came flying out of the truck and got into it with the girls that hit me… seems like the brawl lasted for twenty minutes. The cops were already there and didn’t even try to break it up.

It was crazy, and I didn’t even know why everybody was so mad. We didn’t do anything until people started swinging. Anyway I’m pretty sure we won. Sarah was the one who actually got everybody back in the truck, and you know she’s usually the one who gets mad and starts swinging first.

When I got back in the truck, I felt bad. Turns out the first guy I hit wasn’t actually the guy who was fighting with Mikey, he was just a bystander. And I think he was too old to be in a parking lot brawl. He wasn’t ancient or anything, but I just started crying… All the guys were like “Stephanie, why are YOU crying? You knocked that guy out.” I just felt really bad. And my knuckles really hurt today. I didn’t know it hurts so much to hit somebody.”

The Vikings extend a warm welcome to the newest member of the Manpunch Sisterhood: Stephanie Craig. And the Sisterhood would like to remind their men that we know you don’t NEED help in a brawl situation, but we’d rather fight for you than fight with you.

Happy Pillaging.

Viking Dating Protocol... is there an app for that?

This morning I found myself alone at Arnold's finishing up my coffee and engaged in uncomfortable conversation with someone I KNEW I should recognize but for the life of me could not place (thanks Mom and Jugie, for violating the Viking Code of never leaving a man behind). A pleasant young lady with a tiny baby greeted me by name and said she saw my Mom and Jugie leaving. Did I know her from Arnold's? Maybe she was an old classmate? (Crap like this happens to me all the time, before Facebook I could run into people I spent every Friday night with in marching band and still not remember the name that went with the face.)

So I use the old standby "Hey... girl! How are you?" and am so panicked I didn't even ooooh and ahhh over the baby. What if it's a borrowed baby? If I say anything about her new little one she'll KNOW I have no clue who she is and I really should because she seems like a recent acquaintance. We talk about how she's had her social security number stolen and how she's trying to work all that out, and all I can think is this is WAYYY too personal information for me not to know her name. I finish up my coffee, 'good to see you and etc' and haul ass. It hits me on the way home: "That was Ol' Girl!!"

Ol' Girl was a ladyfriend of Jake's that actually made it home to meet the family and sit on the porch. In the Viking Village, that's about as serious as it gets barring marriage, and for Jake as Sargeant at Arms of the Wolfpack Division of the Viking Clan that's as serious as it's ever gonna get. We call all his ladyfriends "Ol' Girl", there's really no point learning their names 'til they make it to the porch and sometimes not even then. My conversation with his ladyfriends that appear on the porch is limited to: "You're in my chair, move." Ol' Girl had remarkable staying power, we even learned her name. But since we'd been calling her Ol' Girl for months and she had the same name as Jake's ex wife (which should have made it easier for me to remember two years later), the name sort of stuck.

The whole exchange got me to thinking there should be some sort of mobile app for the Vikings to help us with uncomfortable situations. Some sort of search engine to input hair color/eye color/body type that would return a name, profile, Status: Current, Semi-Ex, or DOA, and threat level, dependant on how badly the relationship ended. In Jake's case it would be helpful and almost impossible, I've seen his contact list... most of the caller ID tags are "Do Not Answer" or "Code Blue". Maybe a flashing warning that says "Do NOT mention Ol' Girl #2" or "Doesn't know about the baby Vikings yet". And this isn't just on Jake's account, I've seen the trail of tears and property vandalism the other Vikings have left in their wake. I won't mention names, but y'all know who you are.

And since I've ragged on Jake's dating methods, I'll go ahead and bust myself out on the Olive Garden Incident. A few years ago, my mom had lunch at Olive Garden and ended up hustling the waiter's phone number because he 'was cute, funny, and had earrings' so she figured he was just my type. Oh yeah, did I mention she set up a date with OG Boy? I got a text one afternoon that said 'date today at Olive Garden'.. My reply: 'high five mom, way to go, have fun'. She texted me back and said 'no, it's for you, he works at Olive Garden and said he'd buy you dinner'. So I ended up having to text a stranger to tell him my mom escaped from the old folks home, so sorry for her setting up the date. And the fool would not leave me alone! He texted every week or so saying he'd be at work, and that I should come have lunch on him. You all know the concept of 'dating' is beyond me. It's awkward. Plus the fact that I'd be stupidly sitting there alone while he waited on me and his other tables. Plus the fact he listed Nickelback as one of his top five bands. Seriously, dude? I'm flattered, but no thanks.

One day Jake and I were in Longview, and OG Boy texted yet again, so I figured the only way to lay this to rest is to go. I conned Jake into going to Olive Garden which he hates, I think I might have promised him a case of beer. I texted OG Boy to tell him he could recognize me by the 'big cornfed bruiser cousin' I was with and we went. And it was as awkward as I knew it would be. OG Boy had earrings, yes. Some big blingy looking Tyrell Owens CZ studs, and had a Boston accent. Because he was from Boston. In the small talk we made I learned that he was leaving in a few months to go to Umpire School. To learn how to be an umpire for baseball. Jake nearly choked on a breadstick. He whispers (loudly) "I didn't know there was like a school for umpires. I used to just show up to the highschool baseball field and they gave me $25 for calling a game. It ain't rocket science."

Over the course of the "date" it became clear that OGB was more interested in my cousin than me, and it started feeling like I was interrupting their date. Mainly we both just wanted to get out of there, so after OGB left to check on his other tables we had a heated whispered debate on how to leave. Should we ask for the check? Just go? We even Googled the etiquette of what to do, but Google failed us. We both threw a $20 on the table, ran out and didn't look back.

If there had been a Viking Protocol App, it probably would've advised to order a bottle of wine, the steak, dessert, and to leave a note that read "Thanks for lunch big guy, here's my phone number. Love, Jake". Instead, Jake refused from that day forward to be my wingman. Which is really unfair since I've been on hand to rescue him from uncomfortable situations. I won't be specific, but I'm sure he remembers the time when the plumber turned out to be the ex husband. I'm just saying. I think an app or a batsignal would be super helpful for this Viking Village, I know we could all benefit. I'm just saying.