This morning I found myself alone at Arnold's finishing up my coffee and engaged in uncomfortable conversation with someone I KNEW I should recognize but for the life of me could not place (thanks Mom and Jugie, for violating the Viking Code of never leaving a man behind). A pleasant young lady with a tiny baby greeted me by name and said she saw my Mom and Jugie leaving. Did I know her from Arnold's? Maybe she was an old classmate? (Crap like this happens to me all the time, before Facebook I could run into people I spent every Friday night with in marching band and still not remember the name that went with the face.)
So I use the old standby "Hey... girl! How are you?" and am so panicked I didn't even ooooh and ahhh over the baby. What if it's a borrowed baby? If I say anything about her new little one she'll KNOW I have no clue who she is and I really should because she seems like a recent acquaintance. We talk about how she's had her social security number stolen and how she's trying to work all that out, and all I can think is this is WAYYY too personal information for me not to know her name. I finish up my coffee, 'good to see you and etc' and haul ass. It hits me on the way home: "That was Ol' Girl!!"
Ol' Girl was a ladyfriend of Jake's that actually made it home to meet the family and sit on the porch. In the Viking Village, that's about as serious as it gets barring marriage, and for Jake as Sargeant at Arms of the Wolfpack Division of the Viking Clan that's as serious as it's ever gonna get. We call all his ladyfriends "Ol' Girl", there's really no point learning their names 'til they make it to the porch and sometimes not even then. My conversation with his ladyfriends that appear on the porch is limited to: "You're in my chair, move." Ol' Girl had remarkable staying power, we even learned her name. But since we'd been calling her Ol' Girl for months and she had the same name as Jake's ex wife (which should have made it easier for me to remember two years later), the name sort of stuck.
The whole exchange got me to thinking there should be some sort of mobile app for the Vikings to help us with uncomfortable situations. Some sort of search engine to input hair color/eye color/body type that would return a name, profile, Status: Current, Semi-Ex, or DOA, and threat level, dependant on how badly the relationship ended. In Jake's case it would be helpful and almost impossible, I've seen his contact list... most of the caller ID tags are "Do Not Answer" or "Code Blue". Maybe a flashing warning that says "Do NOT mention Ol' Girl #2" or "Doesn't know about the baby Vikings yet". And this isn't just on Jake's account, I've seen the trail of tears and property vandalism the other Vikings have left in their wake. I won't mention names, but y'all know who you are.
And since I've ragged on Jake's dating methods, I'll go ahead and bust myself out on the Olive Garden Incident. A few years ago, my mom had lunch at Olive Garden and ended up hustling the waiter's phone number because he 'was cute, funny, and had earrings' so she figured he was just my type. Oh yeah, did I mention she set up a date with OG Boy? I got a text one afternoon that said 'date today at Olive Garden'.. My reply: 'high five mom, way to go, have fun'. She texted me back and said 'no, it's for you, he works at Olive Garden and said he'd buy you dinner'. So I ended up having to text a stranger to tell him my mom escaped from the old folks home, so sorry for her setting up the date. And the fool would not leave me alone! He texted every week or so saying he'd be at work, and that I should come have lunch on him. You all know the concept of 'dating' is beyond me. It's awkward. Plus the fact that I'd be stupidly sitting there alone while he waited on me and his other tables. Plus the fact he listed Nickelback as one of his top five bands. Seriously, dude? I'm flattered, but no thanks.
One day Jake and I were in Longview, and OG Boy texted yet again, so I figured the only way to lay this to rest is to go. I conned Jake into going to Olive Garden which he hates, I think I might have promised him a case of beer. I texted OG Boy to tell him he could recognize me by the 'big cornfed bruiser cousin' I was with and we went. And it was as awkward as I knew it would be. OG Boy had earrings, yes. Some big blingy looking Tyrell Owens CZ studs, and had a Boston accent. Because he was from Boston. In the small talk we made I learned that he was leaving in a few months to go to Umpire School. To learn how to be an umpire for baseball. Jake nearly choked on a breadstick. He whispers (loudly) "I didn't know there was like a school for umpires. I used to just show up to the highschool baseball field and they gave me $25 for calling a game. It ain't rocket science."
Over the course of the "date" it became clear that OGB was more interested in my cousin than me, and it started feeling like I was interrupting their date. Mainly we both just wanted to get out of there, so after OGB left to check on his other tables we had a heated whispered debate on how to leave. Should we ask for the check? Just go? We even Googled the etiquette of what to do, but Google failed us. We both threw a $20 on the table, ran out and didn't look back.
If there had been a Viking Protocol App, it probably would've advised to order a bottle of wine, the steak, dessert, and to leave a note that read "Thanks for lunch big guy, here's my phone number. Love, Jake". Instead, Jake refused from that day forward to be my wingman. Which is really unfair since I've been on hand to rescue him from uncomfortable situations. I won't be specific, but I'm sure he remembers the time when the plumber turned out to be the ex husband. I'm just saying. I think an app or a batsignal would be super helpful for this Viking Village, I know we could all benefit. I'm just saying.
